The year 2021, Oddments year to embrace Monster F**king. To Squeak's horror. Seriously, no monsters need apply.
We only talk about light topics so we focus on Christianity, Paganism and, of course, Oddment's fixation on fictional men. Especially ones with gills, Shape of water dude beware.
The TV we obsess over, the mobile game Squeak became obsessed with over lockdown and how Oddment and Squeak met.
Episode 4 and we're already on to origin stories. Enjoy!
Today I was trying to convince myself that I am not an angry person. Oddment and I had a mosey through some charity shops and I purchased too many books that I now have to try and sneak into the house without my partner noticing. We had Nando’s, I had a couple of pints, Oddment had a couple of cokes [pints not lines - O]. The sun was trying to be out. All in all, good day.
But then we started talking about elves, and elves lead to Lord of the Rings and Lord of the rings leads to The Hobbit. And then I started thinking about Tauriel.
I am a very angry person. I don’t know why I thought otherwise.
To be clear I think Evangeline Lily was great as Tauriel, she acted the shit out of that role. And she looked badass (someone had to, looking at you Legolas of the CGI realm). [a role that really didn’t give her a lot to do - O]
And I also get that The Hobbit in general was a bit of a shit show [a bit? lol - O] when it came to production so working out what was happening with the random she-elf they shoved in was not the highest priority. But seriously, a love triangle with a dwarf? The weird “it hurts, it was real” moment with Thranduil? The seriously awkward flirting? Whyyyyyy. I don’t want it. Return to sender plz.
Tauriel isn’t even my biggest issue with The Hobbit (looking at you weird CGI choices) and I have no issues with them adding some women to Lord of the Rings (dear god does it need it). The Hobbit didn’t even have characters like Arwen and Eowyn where they could beef up their roles to give some much-needed relief from all the men (and dwarves).
My big problem with Tauriel is the romance. You’re writing an original character anyway, could we please have a female character whose main reason for existence isn’t romance? Couldn’t we have had a really badass childhood friend for Legolas? Or a character who makes the choice to help the dwarves because it seems like the right thing to do rather than just really wanting to bone Kili. [I’m with Tauriel… I’d bone him - O]
It probably doesn’t help that they flirt for like 3 minutes and then suddenly they are IN LOVE. Le sigh. Whatchu doing Tauriel, you’re 600 years old. Be an adult about this. Stop following around weird dwarves who keep trying to get you to strip search them. These are not normal decisions.
Speaking of, Kili, you’re 77, act your age. [But it was looooooooove lol - O]
Sexual Heeeealing (with a side of hazelnuts) is not a solid reason to form a permanent attachment. Whilst I think I would be devastated if anyone I know what stabbed through the chest and then thrown off a cliff in front of me by a massive CGI orc, I am not sure a dwarf I’d known for 2 days would be my highest priority when Martin Freeman was RIGHT THERE. [Um, there’s no contest. I’d definitely choose an Evangeline Lily and Aiden Turner sandwich over Martin Freeman -O]
Also the whole elves don’t have feelings thing? Tell that to Elrond and Arwen [*cries* so many feelings! - O]. I know Legolas looked constipated every time he was confronted by any emotion in the LOTRs but we are shown consistently that elves are in fact capable of feeling things deeply. There are so many ways to show that, ways that don’t involve staring with confusion down at a dwarf corpse and crying at Thranduil “here to make it racist” Mirkwood man. Don’t get me wrong, it had me sobbing when I saw it in the cinema.
It just felt cheap. The sobbing in LOTRs was from the deaths of characters that had earned investment from the audience. From poignant moments that were payoff from complex story lines. And of course from when you just get super excited to see Gimli hit something cool with his axe.
I don’t have an inherent issue with the romance being cross species, the romance of Arwen and Aragorn is obviously great but the real MVP’s of cross species romance were the originals, Beren and Luthien [I highly recommend everyone reads their story in the Silmarillion. So beautiful! - O]. The thing is that within the lore of Middle Earth Elves and Men are like cousins. Created by Illuvatar they had the same sort of boiler plate structure. I mean, the elves clearly got the long straw on general beautifulness (not hotness, Aragorn, my sweet dirty prince). However, Dwarves were made by Aule, completely different dude. They have a different vibe entirely, dwarven women are bearded and difficult to tell apart from the men so I am assuming that in dwarven society bearded and stocky women are the women they find attractive. So where does Tauriel even fit in here? She is suspiciously beardless.
Also I bet Kili smells terrible, if you’re going to pick a dwarf at least pick a cool one like Bofur. He at least has a cool hat.
[Pretty sure Squeak ships Legolas and Gimli… so I am suspicious of this anti-dwarf and elven love stance! Also, I have no strong feelings about anything in the Hobbit movies except to say that in keeping with my awful taste in fictional men I would bone the fuck out of Thranduil. Talk about good daddy material. I like ‘em a bit traumatised [Oddment needs therapy, as does everyone she has a crush on. Also I ship nothing, lies. - S] ]
Which books made us the way we are? *cringe* Lord of the Rings and Sweet Valley High, the origin of all our terrible standards for men.
The big mysteries in life, where is Squeak's copy of Strange the Dreamer? What is the significance of St Mawes? Why is Kylo Ren so attractive?
All this and more.
Our biggest piece of advice at the top of this episode is if you don’t know what ABO is, don’t google it. You’re better not knowing. Oddment & Squeak have spent too much of their lives reading fanfiction and know many things they wish they didn’t.
In this episode, we actually talk about “Discovery of Witches” for a whole 20 MINUTES! So spoiler warnings obvs.
Enjoy!
In our first episode, we cover how terrible we are podcasts, half-remembered 18th Century literature, accents, dungeons and dragons, Oddment and Squeak’s interior design choices, Reddit AITA… the list goes on!